I Love it when I drop another couple inches and get to Ebay my old clothes and I Hate it when I find myself lacking in wardrobe or even worse....backsliding a few pounds up the scale.
When this whole ordeal started I had gone just hog wild (literally on the HOG front). I LOVE good food, I am the original foodie. I enjoy cooking. I always tell people, I come by these curves honestly....and I do.
I come from a family that loves to eat....love was shown not so much in words but in gestures of feeding the one you love.
That same family always explained things away by referring to themselves as "big-boned". Most of us are very tall, so combine that with some heft and you have the makings of all sorts of goodies like
Heart Disease
Diabetes
Cancer
High Blood Pressure
Hypertension
Manic Depression
Yep, all the major whammies.
The thing is, not everyone in the family is troubled with this weight issue. I have three younger sisters and we all inherited our mother's blue eyes, fair skin, quick temper, sensitive nature,tall stature, bubble butt and love of cooking.....BUT....only yours truly inherited the 'fat gene' of the family.
I am an emotional eater but not exclusively. Some folks eat when they are depressed, anxious, happy, nervous. Yeah, I do that too.....bad day? Head right for the comfort food. Fantastic day? Celebrate with a gourmet meal. Jilted by the boyfriend? Drown in vat of ice cream.
You get the picture.
My fat gene was sneaky.....I was one of those loathsome types that could eat anything and never gain any weight.
UNTIL
My first pregnancy and subsequent bout with postnatal depression. That's when the yo yo started. The older I got the more wildly it swung...gain, lose, gain, lose. Every time I'd lose a bunch of weight and get myself back to normal, I would swear it was never going to happen again. It's too darn HARD to lose weight. It should be twice as hard to gain it back just to make it all fair.
But as we all know...... easy on does NOT mean easy off.
We aren't oven cleaners and there is no magic pill, powder, prayer, cream or tea that makes it go away.
There is nothing more destructive or shattering to a woman than for some well-meaning friend, boyfriend, husband, or family member to say than:
"You have SUCH a pretty face......if only the rest of you matched it."
Do they mean to be horrible to you? Of course they don't...but it IS cruel. It's telling you that you are less of a person because you aren't within what society accepts as 'normal'.
After my second child was born when I was 35, I found myself in a seriously bad situation with my weight. If I did not lose a considerable amount of weight I was going to DIE. That pregnancy nearly killed me....literally. I bled out on the table and flat-lined during delivery and an emergency c-section had to be performed. My son came 2 months early and they were in doubts that either of us would make it.
Again I was hit with severe postpartum depression and that did nothing at all to help me shed that weight. The next few years saw me yo yo again up and down the scale. I came to realize that many of my past demons and insecurities fed into what was my addiction to food.
I realized I needed to learn how to live with the fact that I could not live on a diet for the rest of my life but that I needed to learn how to have a better relationship with what I put into my body.
Some days I win, some days I lose. I still love to cook and I still love food but I try to view it differently. I try to have more good days than naughty days.
For me not having a closet full of several different sizes of clothes "just in case" helped. As soon as things became too large I'd Ebay them and use the money I made to reward myself with something I wanted....like an expensive pair of shoes or newer smaller jeans or a pretty dress.
It's amazing how much easier it is to get back on track when you've eliminated everything with a stretch waist or a larger size tag. When you're sitting at your desk and your jeans are cutting into your gut and you feel like a sausage about to burst it's skin.....it's easy NOT to stop for pizza or ice cream.
So yes, I've lost over 60lbs and there is a HUGE improvement in my health, my outlook, my drive, my attitude about life, my desires.....
I still have a ways to go. I no longer watch the scale or stress over my dress size....I watch my BMI (body mass index). I have regular visits with my dietician and we discuss changes and make sure I'm staying healthy.
I found one of the most enjoyable ways for me personally to exercise is walking. I get bored to death with walks for the sake of walking but wandering around castle ruins, through medieval cities, or along country lanes with my camera keeps me entertained.
I cringe when someone calls me 'sexy'. I'm getting better at accepting compliments without looking for deeper reasons behind them or just plain doubting them. The truth is sexy is what we exude from our inner selves that reflects outwards. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. Sexy comes in so many different packages.
I take lots of pictures along the way to document my progress. On those days when I feel down, ugly, fat, un-sexy and all of those other things that are so destructive to trying to get healthy and slimmer....I look through the photos to remind myself how far I've come.
This was me when I started this journey and the picture that made me realize I'd gone too much in the wrong direction.....again!
and now....down to a size 16 from a 22. I suspect by the time my BMI reaches healthy proportions I'll be around a size 12 or 14 which for 5'9 with my build is pretty ideal.
The only thing that doesn't seem to be shrinking much is the caboose but then, THAT is inherited. This sistah will likely always have 'back'.
So....this girl backslid and gained some pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am back on the de-tox to try and break those addictions to starch and sat fats again. Once those nasties are gone then I will continue on down the scale to that BMI of at least 24. That leaves me now 5 points to drop.
I may never be what society terms as slender again but I can and will be healthy and realistic.
Love and Light,
Brittany xx
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