This is something the British as a whole have perfected to an art. Americans by nature are normally Active Aggressive, they shoot from the hip and they are very rude, loud, opinionated and super aggressive. Not an attractive thing but one can grudgingly respect it to a degree.....You always know where you stand with an American....BUT it doesn't make it right or attractive. It's totally not.
I have failed my people!
No, seriously....I want to be neither Passive Aggressive or Assertive Aggressive. These aren't good things! This is not the behavior of a person who is kind, thoughtful, giving, polite or most importantly for me, a person grants others a lot of "beingness".
The sort of person I strive to be is ASSERTIVE.
Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for ourselves and to say how we feel when we feel we need to but without being nasty.
Let me explain here about the thing that is Passive Aggressive behavior and why it is so easy to get sucked into this very bad and negative behavior.
Has your internet been down?
Oh, I thought it might be because you didn’t answer my last e-mail.See what I did there? That was passive aggressive.
It was my way of saying, “Did you read my last email? If you did, tell me you did. And if you haven’t read it, please do. And then write me back you twunt.”
Passive Aggressive is a very handy language. It allows you to get what you want without confrontation. Well, actually, you might be confronted, disliked and rejected because people are on to you and how annoying you are, so it doesn’t really work.
But here are some other examples of how you can use it:
Want to say, “I don’t like you and never will”?
That will never fly. Instead, try mispronouncing the person’s name again and again, no matter how many times they correct you. If it’s Smith, pronounced " Smyyyth,” always pronounce it “Smiff.” Or, even more effective: try calling them by the wrong name altogether, and turning them into an non-entity. Endorra, Samantha’s mother on Bewitched, perfected this technique.
Want to say “I’m attracted to you and I’d like a date with you”? Don’t. What if they say “no”? Instead, try breaking into their house and baking them a pie but one you know they are allergic to. It will send the person a mixed message, so they can’t accuse you of having the hots for them.
As you can see, passive aggressive comes in many flavors. To make it easy, I’ve broken them down into subcategories, along with examples.
11 main styles of passive aggressive, along with essential phrases (translated into normal person).
So you can become more fluent, or understand someone else who is.1. Passive Imposing
Technique: Dropping hints in order to ask for something without asking for it. Or, requesting something in the form of an offer.Phrases:
How’s your cheesecake?
Or:
Wow, you hardly ate any of your cheesecake. Are you done already?
Meaning: I want to try your cheesecake; but I'm too afraid of looking like a pig and ordering my own.
Do you know of any low-cost hotels near you?
Meaning: I want you to invite me to stay at your house because I'm a cheapskate.
Hey, if you feel like it, how about straightening up a little?
Meaning: I want you to clean, you dirty so and so. Whether you feel like it or not.
2. Passive Resentful
Technique: Expressing hurt or pissed-off-ness with a benign question or a smile.Phrases:
Hey, did you get the birthday gift I sent you in October? I checked the tracking number and apparently it was delivered, but I’m worried someone else signed for it and it never got to you.
Meaning: You never thanked me for my birthday gift, you rude asshole.
It’s so funny that you would buy a new Louis Vuitton bag when you owe me a thousand bucks. I’m not mad, I just think it’s hilarious.
Meaning: How DARE you buy something when you owe me money! Oh, I’m mad.
Did you have trouble getting here?
Meaning: You are late and rude and in my head I'm smacking you.
So, are you having a really small wedding?
Meaning: How come you didn’t invite me to your wedding? I'm hurt.
3. Passive Braggadocio
Technique: Boasting by quoting someone else’s compliment within a total non-story, or by embedding the boast in a supposedly interesting fact.Phrases:
Oh my god, this guy last night was chasing me so hard. He was like, you have the most amazing body, can I have your phone number? He was so pathetic. It was really funny.
Or:
I was trying on these jeans in the store and the sales girl was like, “you should be a model.” I was like, oookayyyy. Whatever.
Meaning: I’m sooooo hot and full of myself. And other people think so, too. Don't you wish you were like me?
George Clooney is actually a really cool guy. So down to earth.
Meaning: I know George Clooney! Why aren't you asking me how I know this? You should be impressed!!
4. Passive Insecure
Technique: Fishing for compliments. An oldie but goodie.Phrase:
Oh my god, I'm so fat. I've lost 20 pounds but I STILL can't see it!
Meaning: Don’t I look amazing and skinny. I've lost all this weight but you never celebrate my smaller ass. Say I look amazing!
5. Passive Irritated/ Passive Disgusted (strangers version)
Technique: Giving a bewildered, startled, bemused, or even admiring look when someone does something irritating or outrageously gross.Phrases:
Whoa! What was that? [While whipping head around every few seconds as though newly startled.]
Meaning: Your public belching is both jarringly loud and grotesque.
Withering look, combined with hand fanning air in front of nose.
Meaning: Oh you smelly bastards; don't you bathe??!!
Eyebrows raised in mock-impressed, “Wow” expression as shopper in supermarket piles basket full of super processed crap food on conveyor belt with screaming kids hanging off every surface.
Meaning: You’re a low class nobody who contributes nothing to society, and a terrible parent. The reason your children are demon spawn is because you feed them poison and e-numbers!
Excuse me, I think you dropped something!
Meaning: I picked up your litter, which I know you purposely dropped on the curb, in order to shame you. So, shame on you you disgusting creature!
6. Passive Irritated/ Passive Disgusted (friend/ acquaintance version)
Technique: Using an innocent, or faux-helpful statement or question to disguise disapproval.Phrases:
I'm so glad you took my advice.
Meaning: I'm SO irritated you haven't credited me for your latest accomplishment you ungrateful twat!
Should I pick up those socks? I didn’t know if they were on the floor because you planned to wear them again…
Meaning: You’re a slob, and yes, I do mind cleaning up after you.
How’s your job search going? Won't you be glad when you are independent?
Meaning: When are you going to quit asking me for money and sponging off the government. I pay my taxes and you are a pathetic loser and drain on society!
7. Passive Impatient
Technique: Pretending you’re concerned or just curious when you just want someone to hurry the f*ck up.Phrases:
Are you okay in there?
Meaning: Other people want to use the bathroom! What are you doing, polluting the planet?
Hey, just checking in because you hadn’t returned my phone call and I was worried something happened to you.
Meaning: Call me back. How rude are you?!
8. Passive Insulting
Technique: Using false praise or a question to hide a total insult.Phrases:
Do you still go to the gym?
Meaning: Looks like you stopped working out you fat fuck.
You’re so brave, singing in front of other people untrained. I would never have the guts!!
Meaning: You have a horrible singing voice and I would never humiliate myself the way you do.
I’d have such a hard time being single. You handle it really well.
Meaning: I feel sorry for you that you aren't married; why are you so un-lovable?
That’s such a colorful outfit! What a unique style you have.
Meaning: That’s such a hideous outfit and you have absolutely no taste.
9. Passive Corrective
Technique: Feigning dumbness to show superior smartness.Phrase:
Oh wait, is it en-dick-ted? I always thought it was pronounced en-die-ted.
Meaning: You pronounced that word wrong, fool. You are SUCH an uneducated moron.
10. Passive Defensive
Technique: Apologizing to say that you don’t owe an apology.Phrase:
I’m really sorry if you took what I said the wrong way.
Meaning: I said nothing wrong, and you’re an overly sensitive pussy.
11. Passive Depressive
Technique: Fishing for sympathy.Phrase:
Facebook status: “[NAME] has had it.”
Meaning: I am seeking attention. Ask me! Ask me!
There you have it, folks. You see....we who display this sort of behavior really are so transparent. You aren't fooling anyone.
Look, no one likes an openly aggressive person. I get it. So it’s easy to understand why people avoid confrontation and opt for veiled insults instead. But there’s a better alternative.
If you’re upset about something, address the issue face-to-face in a straightforward, professional manner. Don’t attempt to hide what you’re really feeling behind sarcasm or false politeness. Don’t hide behind your computer or an anonymous note.
Note to self: If you can’t say something out loud and in-person, it probably doesn’t need to be said.
So for 2013 I am adding a goal for myself......
Practice Assertiveness! It's much more likely to get the results I want.
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